Thursday, June 29, 2006

When There Was Me And You


It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
That's coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along

But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe thatI could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you....
^ delly ^

Allah Will Always Be With Me

Whatever happens to me, I believe God will always be with me. I do not have strength to keep on crying and hoping that he sees the truth, when actually he is covered with the very, very wrong thoughts. How come I keep begging to somebody who doesn't really trust me again in whatever I do? How could my very angel break my heart with a very sadist way? Where do I belong again?

No, I don't have anybody in my life. I just have my sorrows and feelings that killing me softly day by day. Nobody cares about what I feel, so why do I have to care about others? Calling me just to say sorry about something that really didn't happen, or didn't involve me at all - is really making me sad. And this sadness leads me to become even more bias to myself.

But no matter what happens, Allah will always be with me....

Monday, June 26, 2006

Macam-Macam Ada (In Two Days!)

Lots of stories to tell, in 2 days, from Saturday to Sunday, and definitely the shocking news is today. Well, in Saturday I attended a story-telling event, organized by MBPJ, and I was one of the honourable judges.

Thank you kak Jal for the opportunity - we had a good food while judging, a marvellous food during lunch break at Sri Melaka Armcorp Mall and a cash that enabled me to make a hair-do and also feet massage at Carrie's....bestnya....at the same day....syiookkkk....

And again, for the third time I went to see The X-Men III - The Last Stand - I just love this movie that I don't actually teruja to watch other movies. Well, finally I managed to memorize all the main characters - died ones, alive ones...and managed to understand fully the plots of the movie. Talking about movies, yeah feel honoured coz we'll be the first to catch Superman Returns in cinema tomorrow...yihaaa......

Back to office.... Aznor gave a call when I was judging the story-telling, so today I called her back to ask what was up that day. She told me that I should know what actually happened to one of our photographers, that was in the same department with me last time. Ha..ha...last time...the department is already vanished...extinct already... Aznor said he was kicked out with 24 hours notice - swear I didn't have any ideas of the case. We got to know only today, with two versions:

1. He has a police case on him - a trial for rape of one of our AE's. Everybody seems to know that there is a scandal between them too, but then again, (according to this version) they had a fight when finally the poor photographer was believed to enter ladies, coz he was after her. When she went out (they could see on our CCTV on the investigation), she claimed that he tried to assault her.

2. Second version - they were making love in the office. Through the cctv, they saw that lights in Ads Department were off for an hour, before it was on again after that. So the venue was in Ads. But, according to another, another version, the guy loves her too much that he finally made a decision to step out from the office, and leave her to continue her career.

3. Third, and forth and many, many versions - with the only same version - the girl left her swipe id card in the car, and she could not get out. And she called the police.

Ni apa punya drama lah.....

Well, I have nothing to say to whatever version which already came and may come out, because what I can conclude, the stupidity came from them both. I don't want to be bias because I don't really know who is right and who is wrong. But one thing for sure, nothing will happen if you really work sincerely from your heart for the sake of family. If you love your husband/wife, there is no reason to look for somebody else. Why do I say this? Because both of them are married with 3-4 kids. Dah tau, apsal main api?

Then comes the second problem for us in my magazine. We redha when CK left us for Impiana. But today Ani slowly came upstairs to meet me, and simply she said, "Sista, please don't be shock if I show you this". I had only one thing in my mind - what would shock me? Tak lain dan tak bukan she got another offer.

Yes , she showed me the letter of perletakan jawatan, she wants to leave for a better job as a lecturer of Mass Communication in Lendu, Melaka. I've been expecting this before. She can go far because she really works from the heart and she always listens to me without saying anything. She's everything in my magazine, together with Ida, but now the news has made me lose hope. But I know the new job will be better for her, so I just let her go with prayers in my heart - she'll find what she wants in life.

There'll be me and Ida to run this magazine, I don't know how, but we know that we are doing well. Well we will do well.......

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Facing Reality (2)

Officially announced, there is no more Radiance and Jom. And thank God he still wants to run my magazine and Klik. But we've lost CK, she's been transferred to Impiana. Aznor got a new editor. And those editors, they simply put under a new research department - specially created for orang-orang terbuang. There are some changes in Gen-Y department too - close Jom and merge with G3. Some of our good friends finally transferred downstairs.

And some not-too-good-to-hear news. Biasalah, orang ni cakap gini, orang tu cakap gitu - just for their own sake, to safeguard memasing punya periuk nasi. Some are weird..ahaks! including this sista who called me this morning just to ask for my sympathy, and other words, "please stand beside me".

Oh no! Who spread all the news, and who should be blamed for that now? Sendiri makan, sendiri tanggung. I know she feels like one of us and what she thought was, she wanted to help us, be one of the solvers of our problem, and the hidden agenda: "Choose me as ur leader and I'll do some changes".

She was here long before, nothing actually happened except the whole team was blamed for the "high-cost" trip to Sabah - even though they flew there for free via Air Asia. I admit, she planned a lot - but the results couldn't be seen through.....So how???

Just for reminisce sake, I remember how Radiance started to develop, just like my magazine. I remember the master mind behind the magazine, WL, she has gone for good, also after a serious argument. WL was the one who stood behind the success of my magazine, Radiance, BK, Traverama and Rapi. But we are not meant to be together again.

Some young journalists who just been appointed to new magazines keep saying and showing their worry face. Well, adik-adik, this is life, and we journalist people take life as it is. Just as it is. As I mentioned before that people can throw us far to the island, and we could raise alive, and become someone/something else. We make the world becomes what we want it to become. See what I mean?

I've been in this industry for campur and tolak 6 years now. Memang, I came from a very small office, but I am so much thankful to them because they taught me to be a realistic journalist. That I never mumbled for nothing being transferred here and there. When I was in my former office, from journalist, they tolak me to become editor of not so successful kids magazine. Because nobody else can take care of English materials. Even the big boss. Well I was (and still) not so good in my English, but I never say no.

The other sista declined for the offer because she wanted to focus on her masters, so what, I was doing my masters to. In fact, I had to run every two days in a week for my classes. Still I didn't say, "Saya tak bolehlah!" No, never say that. I love challenge that love to do something that I never tried before. Even if they would hand over me Traverama to me, I will try my best!

Well that is another side of the story - of ability to face new challenges and responsibilities in life. Just try, Insya Allah boleh.

Even when I was newly appointed here, entah sekejap kat R&D, sekejap under big boss, now under this new department, macam-macam....but I just want to be relax and positive. Susahlah nak dengar rumours orang everytime.

One editor paged me and asked, "Your magazine is okay now kan? 10k kan?" What was the purpose of asking me that pun aku tak tahu, I know her magazine is doing well, and mine is struggling, tapi what's up? Tunggu dan lihat ajelah. I think it was the best way that I just finally ignored her message and started to concentrate on what I was doing.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The News

Everybody hates to be at this situation. And what the hell happening to this company, only God knows. What my Y.a.n.i sista has told me this morning, really gave me a bit shot - straight to my face and ears. Oh God, is this the end of the long journey? What finally happened to my fellow mags, Jom and Radiance was really unexpected, coz according to them, they have given us enough spaces, enough time to increase sales, but the results disappoint them in some ways. Well all these not as what promised to us, at least not Radiance and Jom - coz these two are advertising-based. So what's up? Even though they can't have a good sell, at least give profit thru all those ads. Then what's up with my own magazine?

As by today itself, I've heard rumours after rumours, that really scare us somehow. That this person is back-stabbing that person, those people are like this, these people are like that, etc etc sampai naik pening. Bosan! What else I could do? Slowly I turned up to my pc, started to update my CV, I put the nicest pix I have....and what's next? Y.a.n.i sista asked me and L.y.n.d.a to join TV3 as they are looking for more people. And rumours...they want to have their own publishing department just what Astro did.

In terms of getting job, I don't think it is difficult for us, because we are jenis "campak ke laut pun jadi pulau". Ha...ha...just imagine me...so what? I can do PR. I can write. I can do marketing. I can do advertising. All wajib elements in mass communication I am able to do...so what's up? But I'm talking about loyalty here...yes I want to be loyal just like I'm loyal to my boy friend. It is not about salary. It is not about what kind of work. I can do anything. Not just kids, I can feature women's issues etc etc. We all can...but all the chances given are not even enuff for us to at least, prove something.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Facing Reality (1)

Realitinya, hidup ini memang sukar. Dan perlukan kesabaran yang maha hebat. Berita yang kami terima semalam adalah hakikat kehidupan yang perit hendak ditelan, tetapi realitinya...begitulah. Betapa bekerja di bidang ini, hari ini kau disanjung dan dijaja ke sana sini, hari berikutnya kau akan jatuh berdepup tanpa menyangka apa-apa yang buruk bakal berlaku. Macam siri AF kat tv yang sekarang dah masuk musim ke 4 pun, bila diumumkan yang aku bukan "mereka-mereka" itu, maka aku dah berasa sedikit lega, walaupun pada masa yang sama berasa sedih kerana "abang-abang" aku pula menerima berita yang tidak disangka-sangka. Tetapi siapalah kami di sini untuk berkata apa?

Semalam juga aku adakan perbincangan (atau pengumuman) terbuka dengan semua wartawan aku. Tetapi salah seorangnya, yang pernah (banyak kali) aku tegur kerana banyak sangat masalah - daripada peribadi sampailah kerja - akhirnya mengambil keputusan untuk mengundurkan diri tanpa pengaruh siapa-siapa. Untuk menyampaikan berita ini pun adalah satu perkara yang sangat berat, sampai untuk pertama kalinya aku mengalirkan air mata depan semua orang. Kerana aku jenis manusia yang sangat tabah kalau sesuatu berkaitan kerja - tetapi kali ni susah hendak memisahkan seseorang yang telah nampak dan mengalami jatuh bangun majalah yang aku usahakan ini.

Redha dengan pemergiannya, aku hanya harapkan yang terbaik dan supaya dia bertemu dengan apa yang dia nak dalam hidup. Tempatnya bukan di E-Baca lagi setelah hatinya tidak lagi di sini, susah sebenarnya nak memberikan hati kepada sesuatu sedangkan hakikatnya sesuatu itu tidak lagi dicintai.

Dalam kepala aku sudah mula berkecamuk dengan pelbagai soalan yang memeningkan. Apa lagi yang harus aku lakukan? Bukannya aku tidak mencuba, tetapi ada lagi yang masih kurang dan aku mesti kuat. Izra datang memberi pandangan dan ideanya, dan aku rasa itu cadangan terbaik untuk dicuba.

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Thing I Hate Most

The thing I hate most in my life is when people didn't pick up my calls, or didn't reply me when I call their names. It is so a bu**sh** behaviour. Oklah, he left me for work in Vietnam, and why every nite I called him, he just felt asleep like a beary bear? So irritating that I need to know the schedule of him coming back here, and for that I had to go to that all liars IDD shop in Sect 16 from my office. And my problem is, I can't stop yelling over phone when I'm angry. I just can't, and can't never help myself to stop that. That makes G sometimes goes nuts and starts to merepek things like breaking me up, etc etc. Oh God, I can't be as cool as Suzie, memang tak boleh, because it is just me. Cat is cool too, even though she's an aquarian like me. So what differentiate us? I love to get mad, I'm happy to see myself getting angry and yelling and screaming!!! That differentiate me from others. And what makes me more mad? G is cool when I'm angry...helllllllll yarrrrrrr!!! - delly

Updating Friendster

I came to office last saturday and sunday for extra work - my deadline has been forwarded to Monday. While waiting for my designer to complete her work, I just remembered something that I didn't see and touch for ages - FRIENDSTER! Last time I thought I should not bother to be in this website again as I've found someone already, and I didn't want to waste my time. However thinking that my good friends sometimes send me messages through Friendster, so I just decided to have a look.

It is good to know that most of my friends during my uni days are actually united in there. :) And all of a sudden I miss Syaz and Boje very much...once upon a time were my very-very best friends. Something happened in the middle that casted me and Syaz away, but then when she got married we finally forgot everything and started a new life. I know that they actually don't realize what was up with me then, but it is not important know for all I want is to meet them and chill out like old school!

Dalam pada tu, I came across la mamat ni punya friendster...a'alaa...some idiot has copied my blog's words and dengan tak tau malunya pasted on his friendster...as his own bullshit words...what the! Tolonglah! In case if he doesn't know, I hate anyone who copies what I write...and I pity him for not having his own opinion on something. And can you please do not bug my life forever and ever. Please...

I hate to expose myself back to something that I don't even want to know or care about.


Ok, back to today. Actually for the late few months I'm really upset of the CK's performance. Well not actually to blame her, but I believe her spirit isn't there anymore. I was being patient for few months, but when I had to not just correct (but also rewrite the whole articles) of her, scheduled her cover section, had to keep reminding her on the website and so many, many things (which she confessed she did) - finally today profesionally I wrote one long email to her, asking for her problems and her state of mind.

Here is what she replied to me:

"Pertama kali aku nak ucpkan terima kasih pd ko! Aku tak kecik atipun degn teguran yg ko buat. Malah aku mengaku dan sedar dgn prestasi aku yg semakn merudum dr hari ke hari. Lately semenjak 3 bulan ini aku mmg mngalami problem besar yg mnuntut ku mengorbankan masa dan tenaga aku. Segalnya utk famili aku.. pada dasarnya aku mnganggap benda ni bukan satu bebanan tp tanggungjawab tetapi dlm tak sedar aku telah mengabaikan tnggungjawab aku sebagai wartawan pd majalah ni, Aku tau aku semakin careless dlm tugasan dan dlm aku memikul maslaah yg ada aku jd pelupa dan perlu diremind byk kali oleh ko. sekali lagi aku mintak maaf.

Mungkin buat masa ni aku rasa xdapt kongsi masalah famili aku pd ko secara detail apapun pun tajuk alam remaja tu benar2 menghantui aku.. benda tu benar2 berlaku pd aku dan cukplah aku katakan yang aku perlukan masa nak citerkan pd lo.

zaila... slpas dpt emel ni aku sedar aku byk buat silap dan adakalanya eolah2 amik kesempatan pd kebaikan ko. tp percayalah aku sebenanye tak beniat langsng menyusahkn ko baik kawan2 E-Baca. Sebaik saja menerima emel ini aku cuba untuk positif pd e-Baca.. aku mengakui adakalnya sifat menangguh kerja aku melampau2 sampai menjejaskan dateline. Itu kesilapan besar aku disamping penulisan artikel yg amat mengecewakan kau, Mungkin pd mata ko aku ni buat2 tak tau je dgn kekhilafan yg aku buat tp dlm ati tuhan yg tahu betapa malunya aku pd ko.

sorry sekali lagi beb! aku tau ko profesional dalm tugas dan aku menerima teguran ini dgn ati terbuka. Insyallah aku akan cuba perbaiki kesilapan aku dan ini memrlukan masa. aku harap ko xjemu bg sokongan pd aku sb aku anggap ko sebgai kawan dan tempat berciter yg baik.

Mengenai pnglibatan aku dlm BK, ko jgn bimbang aku masih setia unk E-Baca tp mungkn ada ketikanya aku nampak lebih jiwa dgn BK. Hati aku msh pd E-Baca sb itu aku pun sedar ada ayat2 ko kebelakangan ini agak berbunyi kurang senang dgn keakrapan aku dgn BK. aku tak kisah dan ambil positif dgn teguran ko tu. Aku sayang E-Baca cuma mngkin kita ada mscomunication..kesilapan aku yg tidak menginform aktiviti aku dgn BK kpd ko.. itu yg aku tahu. untk pengetahuan ko aku frust sbb Danny tak dpt dibuat pd masa ni sedangkan idea tu aku buat supaya dpt bersaing dgn Isabelle BK yang juga aku buat. Benda ni mungkn antara penyebab aku down sb memang niat aku menaikkan nama E-baca dgn Danny.

Aku pun sedar prestasi aku jauh dr Ani dan Ida. Perbandingan itu memang spatutnya ko buat dan aku menerima dgn hati yg terbuka. Sikit pun tak kecik sb benda ni kenyataan. Insyallah aku cuba utk meperbaiki mutu kerja dan disiplin aku.


Lastly...
TQ dgn cara teguran lo itu. Gue mngakui kesilapan gue dan mulai hari ini gue berusaha untk memperbaikinya. Tak kisahlah ko nak pantau aku hari2 tp demi kebaikan aku rela. Okey beb! Banyk2 tima kasih. Aku tahu kau lah boss dan kawn yg betul2 perihatin pd aku,.. Sekian!"


Inside, I feel happy that she wants to change, and worry too that she won't be able to make it. I know what she is suffering from, it's a family's matter and it's very comlez and complicated. Anyway, like what I said, "Hal keluarga, keluarga jugak, but periuk nasi kita nak kena jaga dulu sebab dengan kerja nilah kita menyara diri dan keluarga".

Man, swear it is not easy to be a leader!

P/s: I have updated my new CV too..ha..ha... - delly

Monday, June 05, 2006

Bercuti Di Kampung

Catatan ini aku tulis di rumah beberapa jam sebelum aku berangkat pulang ke Shah Alam. Ina dan keluarga baru je meninggalkan bumi Hang Tuah bersejarah ini, yang aku pasti meninggalkan rasa sedih yang bukan sedikit pada parents aku. Maklah orang yang paling sibuk. Malam semalam lagi lepas waktu Isyak dah memulakan aktiviti memasak sambal tumis untuk nasi lemak. Tak berapa jam lepas tu aku tengok mak dah terjelepuk tertidur keletihan di sofa. Seawal pukul 5 pagi aku dah terbau harum nasi lemak mak yang memang paling best di dunia tu. Dalam pada semua orang berdengkur, nasi lemak siap, nugget ayam dan fries siap, buah kuini siap dipotong, air milo siap, semuanya siap dihidang. Ina cuma nak menyiapkan anak-anaknya aje.

Aku sendiri bercuti panjang (dua hari tu kira panjang tuh…) campur sabtu dan ahad, pun kerana dah lama tak bertemu Fatin, Najmi, Irfan dan Zafri. Lagipun memang dah lama aku tak balik kampung, sibuk mengejarkan hal duniawi. J Dalam keadaan kerja dan prestasi yang agak berantakan ini, aku sebenarnya risau nak meninggalkan office walau sedetik pun. Tapi nak buat macamana, keluarga pun ada hak ke atas diri aku, jadi kerana mereka aku harus berkorban juga. Lagipun entah bila masa aku akan dapat bertemu Ina lagi, kecuali masa cuti mak nak pergi haji katanya. Raya ni dia tak akan di sini, begitu jugak dengan raya haji.

Empat hari tu, terasa cepat sangat berlalu, dan entah kenapa, aku rasa sangat pilu sewaktu mereka hendak bertolak pergi. Hanya Ina dan keluarga membuatkan aku rasa yang aku betul-betul ada adik-beradik, selebihnya bila bersendiri aku rasa amat berseorangan. Ada seorang abang yang aku sendiri tak tahu ke mana dia sekarang, semenjak dia ke Hong Kong dia langsung tak meninggalkan khabar berita, dan kakak ipar aku, seorang yang memang tidak pernah rasa yang dia belong to us, langsung juga tidak berkata apa dan berdiam diri. Dahlah raya hari tu tak balik, aku jugaklah yang terkontang-kanting macam ni.

Dalam banyak hal aku tak mahu lagi hati parents aku terluka, kerana akulah yang paling banyak meninggalkan titis-titis noda kepada mereka. Aku pun tak tahu apa yang perlu aku lakukan lagi sebab aku juga insane biasa yang punya rasa, sesekali bila hati terusik, aku akan rasa sensitivitinya, walaupun aku cuba sedaya upaya nak berlagak poyo dan macam tak tau apa.

G juga akan ditugaskan ke Vietnam minggu depan, dan Julai ini akan ke Jepun pula. Biarlah aku yang tinggal ni menjalankan tugas aku dengan sebaik-baiknya, dan bagi tumpuan sepenuh komitmen kepada majalah yang satu ini. - delly