Mencari Cinta

I was eager to write about mencari cinta since i watched it last week, but always forgot when i started writing in my blog. Well this Malaysian version of "Average Joe" is somehow a suck programme, tapi bulehla nak buat gelak-gelakkan perut dan menggumbirakan hati yang tengah gundah gulana. ;)
I dont wanna say that the perempuan perasan is cool, coz shes definitely not cool, not even pretty, and let me conclude it this way: entah apa-apa. Even she was not cool enuff in answering and entertaining those poor guys (yang some of them..fuyoo.bolehlah tahan...typical malay guys..). So i was like, what kinda of criterias that TV3 did see in this malang lady, and yang lawaknya, those guys when they say this makcik at their very first time, they were more looked disappointed rather than, surprised (wow....is she that gorgeous??) no, no i dun think so. but for this reality tv trick, behind the gal (kengkononnyalah) they were discussing, saying that "eh, that gal is really superb, shes so nice, shes so pretty...bla..bla)".
Aku bukan nak cakap pasal kecantikan atau kehandsomean suma orang dalam program ni, but i just wanna stress, hey, this is the situation of malaysian reality tv right hereeeee.....with this quality, very dissatisfying, and what more can i say, except, its 100 percent carbon copy of average joe, and it seems tak kena dalam suma segi.
Isnt it irritating, suwuh budak kecik pilih anak patung yang dia suka from any of these guys, so the one who is selected dapatlah personally jumpa the gal's parents and family. buat lawak! in those episodes of average joe, from my understanding, if those guys could prove to larissa that they are capable in doing this, and doing that, wthout any of larissa's relatives kacau daun. even larissa menyamar jadi mak dia lagi. so adalah bau-bau "cerdik" sket program ni.
Anyways, i have to admit that the more i critic, the more i have to watch! - delly

The Post Mortem

The only thing that i enjoy talking about in my life, is of course my darling, e-baca (besides my osazee ;) ). After one year, yeah everyone has witnessed and seen me and my team's effort in making e-baca's successfulness becomes a reality. It is not like what i have contributed to my asuh kids, or asuh, but e-baca is an epitome (pinjam kata-kata power kata kau jap, syaz!) of my hard work, my creativity. And of course it is not easy to satisfy kids, rather than satisfying ladies or gentlemen (referring to other mags). And above all, i dont really care what they wanna say about my magazine because the main thing is, e-baca wont have its readers if me and my team wont make it possible to be in market!
Eh melalut banyak lak, i was at a very first place nak cakap about the post mortem of august issue. Of course i have to define myself as the 'suckest' editor ever bila the year 2006 pun aku nampak macam edisi keenam. That was really bad, untuk my magazine head, magazine brand head ngan magazine art director suma macam nak sumpah seranah aku. Hai...sometimes life ni macam full of disappointments ek. In a way im about to improve my magazine, on cover specially, dengan siap laman web la, dengan 'the only bilingual magazine in malaysia' la, ada pulak yang aku terlepas pandang. so spoilt of myself. but what i really love about myself, come what may la on whatever matters, aku bleh buat selamba badak je like nothing happens. i could even see my magazine head for her signature, and the best part was, i didnt mention anything regarding that mistake.
So this morning, kak pah got a few comments on e-baca, again i was blamed as not so concerned on the grammatical errors parts, peh tu on spelling mistakes, pas tu on the usage of "di" and "kan" lah, bla, bla, basically semuanya on bahasa punya side. Oklah tu. But the best thing when kak pah mentioned about the contents. Of course if not my "hard-brain" suggesting all those stuff for anak2 teruna punya bahan bacaan, mimpi basah la, suara garau la, berkhatan la, etc etc, e-baca wont be this great! so, congrats to myself too! ;)
Kak leen touched on the graphic and layout matters, which is something i hate so much but still, i need to learn, so i wont be fooled by these a bunch of people yang ingat depa creative sangat la tahap cipan, padahal tak pun. Aloy said that e-baca is really a cool, and great reading stuff, but need to improve more on the promotion side. Huk aloh! My team was like, huh, dying la nak pi sampling sana sini in order to make it really really known and successful. what a life. pun i should not blame anyone, maybe im the one who is not that creative, or didnt even find a creative way as yet, to promote my baby.
So that was it, i didnt even think that the post mortem will be cool like this, i even thought that my life is settlled,matilah aku, they'll sack me out for sure for the foolish mistake. but still, i thank god who gives me strength to carry on these difficulties and burdens on me. Kak pah said, according to kak mini, my team is really really hardwordking, and that really give a good credit to my credibility too. sayang kak mini. muah! muah!
Cakap pasal kerja, i have discussed with my osazee yesterday that may be we should not see each other too often so that both of us can concentrate on whatever we are doing rite now. we mean, specifically on work. Mula tu aku merajuk tahap dewa gak, alehhh......tak nak jumpa konon..its ok...its ok osazee, but then again, when i closed my eyes at nite, i was like, ok gak idea dia, sebab sometimes because of too much concerning on him, aku jadi tak keruan dalam hidup. i should have my own life back, i should go to cc again to chat with my old friends. pas tu i should go often to cafe with my old boyfriends. ha..ha...bukan apa......ikat tali silaturrahim....and thats it....
I went to cc yesterday, sempatlah borak ngan my best friend suze, and she told me how much she always wanted that we have our old reunion back, girls day out ngan kengkawan best aku, didie, suze, and maybe daya kot. but i dun think daya will be joining because shes always busy in concerning her boyfriend, bosan gak aku kengkadang. and i guess the same goes to suze and didie to. i would love to do as suggested, of course i want to invite all to my new house, tidur2 lepak2 sambil tengok vcd, then makan pizza sampai lupa dunia. and why not? didie is married, but it doesnt mean she has to leave us as her friends.
And talking about didie, well i have to say my sorry and sympathy to her as the lost of her baby. Im sorry, didie. Life sometimes being so unfair to some people, but its okay, coz u can always keep trying. And as i look back to my self, yeah they are people, who really dont want baby but they got it for free, just like that. And people like didie, im sure shes been putting hope for the survival of the baby because, what else a woman wants when they are married and tied? but she has just lost it.
Words may not do you any justice, but deepest from my gratitude hard, i believe theres always a new day, every day.... - delly

WHAT A DESPERATE LIFE

Always connecting to each other, i really wanna see me really connecting to all my friends, those beloved friends who studied with me, and these circle of friends who work with me. It is such a pleasure, and a great moment to get in touch with each other, share experiences, exchange life and stuff, etc etc.
Today i got some mails from my best friends. Linda, i texted her yesterday morning, and she replied very late when i was about to close my eyes. She said that the preparation of her wedding is running cool, and she wants to come over to kl so that i can accompany her for the last minute shopping. Oklah, what to do....tak dapat kawin, can accompany a friend pun rasa macam kawin gak... ;) Then comes this problem of "baju pengapit", as she has officially announced that ill be her pengapit, alah...kena cari baju plak...kaler ala-ala diraja...huk aloh....i guess it really really sucks when it comes to malay traditional culture of menyambut pengantin!
Then, this other email from my very, very lovely sis, A*ngah. Ive been noticing some problems in her lately (Ang i know that u r reading this, dun worry nobody reading my blog except u, and my friend, Ben) yang tak tau cakap melayu pun..ha..ha....because she keeps texting me things like" Bud, hatiku merana..." "Bud...aku dah tertahan dengan hidup ini..." "Bud this...and bud that...." Dah tu, all the time smsing me yang always out of credit nih, so i decided to note everything especially for u ang, in my lovely blog. Well...u know me!
Referring to the problem tuh, well, as what i emailed u earlier, yalah, life is so unpredictable. Sometimes, somewhere, somehow we never knew that one fine day, we'll fall in love with somebody. All that we know, he is somebody, and membelakangkan status dia (dah kawin ke, duda ke, bujang ke), we'll feel different, wanted and always wants him to pamper and senang cakap, to love us back the way we feel for him. And m talking this based on experience jugak, because ive fallen into married men ni two times, and i ended up felt so stupid of myself, and how much precious time ive been wasted for them.
And, im not prejudice and not saying that what u feel now is wrong. I now what love is, and i know how it feels. Orang melayu kata, kalau dah sayang tu, sanggup secrafice apa jelah. Once upon a time, my fiancee pun was a poyo type, takde duit, muka penyangak habis, but i loved him more than words could say that time! I had this secret relation gak with a malay engineer, who was ready to buy me anything, to sacrifice me money, for me to be with him. What the heck? Then this punjabi pakcik, sama je, i felt for him too that time, tapi what i got for all relationships? Heartbreak.....my heart is break (bak kata mamat india yang joined audition malaysia idol, acted like MJ), pas tu slammed my head to walls and told the world that my mom was 'bomoh'ing me. Ceh! Berdosanya aku dengan mak aku!
So what im gonna say here, to Ang, is to use your brilliant mind to at least, start thinking. More or less ive always feel that married men ni just nak enjoy je whenever they are with us. Maklumla, anak dara kan. Bini sendiri dah 'guna pakai' selalu...boring lah....so thats it..... Its not that all the men in this world are occupied and we didnt even get a dust of it, tipulah tu, tapi it is more like, ketahanan diri dan mental.
My mom told me, that if i wanted to be a single woman sampai ke mati, boleh, tapi make sure jadi single lady yang beriman, yang jaga maruah (dan kemaluan) so that bila mati, mati syahid. Allah! I know its far from whatever she might think about me, i just cant be in that category (of course) dengan my sebeban sinful acts! Tapi, aku ingat pesanan mak aku sampai mati, and one thing, Ive always believe in what she told me.
So whatever i jot in here today, is just a reminder for myself too. I know my kinda life is different, because i always choose to be different from other people. Tak leh nak buat apalah. But i like myself sometimes, that i dont allow emotion to take over me. I think practically, simply and hope will be a reality. Kalau tak jadi pun, itu dah takdir Allah and i accept that as my destiny. - delly

MISS LONELY

I was at home this afternoon, while eating my white rice together with fried-eggs, all of a sudden i felt so empty, inside the house, inside my heart, and unconsciously my hand went unstable and tears rolled down from my eyes. I dont know what was so empty, what i knew, my mind came crossed, i was thinking, " i am 27, single, not-rich, working like hell, and have no life!". And i didnt realize anything till the drop of my tear, then again i whispered to myself, "God, what a beautiful life uve given me to go thru!"
I never think negatively about my beautiful life, i rarely regret almost anything that happened to me, it doesnt mean that i never learned from my mistakes, but sometimes mistakes make me hate my life. it is indeed not easy to be delly, because i bet what ive been thru in life, there'll be no one, no one in malaysia has a history like me. it is quite complicated to be understood, this life has been running my life so crazily and at times i feel so desperate of needing somebody beside me.
And of course there's no mean in putting full stop for everything, because im not an angel, and im not that so evilish ;). im just an ordinary lady who believes that good is cool, cool is bad, and bad is me... thus there are too much things, to be treasured, still... - kinky_delly

SKILLS OF A WRITER
( Me and g in action!)

Some people say, that everybody can write naturally. Everybody has their inner talent to write what they feel, what they been thru in life. I am among those who were born, may be with a natural talent to write, because of my fondness towards literature and arts. But what i wanna write today is about my g, my baby who naturally was born with a brilliant ideas and characters of an IT people, who no one ever imagined that he actually can write. yes he has proved his fine talent in writeng, and just a single word to describe him; superb!
it started one day when i was complaining to him about the lack of english 'quality' writer for short story column, i mean to say (including myself) ;), and all of a sudden he volunteered himself to contribute a short story for me. i did not that sure whether he could write a good story, and what amazed me after he completed 'he swing' i swear i would never be able to find such a writer like him (even myself!)
he continued to write 'destiny's child' and now still writing for his third masterpiece. im just so, so proud of g, and i know he is a person that i can rely on because he just do anything to make me happy. last time in sibu, he told me that one publisher in singapore was so impressed of his "the swing" and yes, i have to admit, it is such a beatiful, so down-to-earth and totally sg's style. and what has impressed me more is that, his work is just so, so original, that he doesnt need any kind of references at all to write! mean while for me, who has been in this industry for more than 5 years, i still have to do some references and (sometimes have just to copy! ;)) to make my writing so beautifully readable.
and this has proven how, a writer really writes from his/her heart1 - delly

NO REASON

I just feel quite disappointed, to myself and to the team too for all difficulties that i had to go thru yesterday and today. Everybody seems to blame me, for the incomplete edition of August, and i just feel that it shouldnt be me to be fully blamed because for all those reasons that i know why. im starting to feel that what im doing now is just a piece of disappointment, and unfair reactions from people. isnt it useless, to work and work like hell, and in the end, even there is not even one of my team members back me up and at least show me some quality of loyalty? how i feel bad sometimes about myself.
but still this matter will not affect me and my emotion, i just wanna feel and be free from everything. i wanna be happy in doing whatever i wanna do, i wanna feel and perform the best of me. - delly

BEING DELLY

Sometimes i love to be me, to be myself, and sometimes i just hate it too much. But being me, i know can be simply me by doing whatever i wanna do, no obstacles and so much free. and im glad, that the most difficult decision taken last time, about my job, has finally turned to something good. from a "biasa-biasa aje" journalist, to an editor. even for kids mag, so what? still i got my own cubicle, like other editors, and still be going for editorial meeting, along wth other editors. great, isnt it?
i have to go to malacca today for our sampling tour, i hate to be delayed because of some bullshit reasons. kak pah said, i should do even better than bintang kecil. well i dun give a f**k for bintang kecil, because i know what my magazine is doing, and i realize how much better my magazine is than bk. the thing is, we are still new, and to be so established and well-known like bk, we do need our own time, and of course, trust from people. ive instilled the trust part, because some of the responses from readers, they just love my mag as the way it is. and it is supposed to be that way. and i believe with our consistency in presenting our ideas and creativities thru ebaca, will lead us to a more comfortable condition in future. Insya Allah.
yesterday my best friend budaiy came to my house, well what a party after a long time! she was portraying to me the possibility of staying there too, but i didnt mention or even say a word, because ive asked her once, twice and thrice, and will never ask her again. im sad to see her at times, because of her life style, and what she has to go thru in life, and with that kind of 'boy friend', i just feel pity to her. god shes reaching "the goleden age", same like me too, but what she's got doesnt deserve her at all. she told me about the guy, i wish her dad would realize that he was supposedly to be the one.
i got to go. - delly

A VERY NEW BEGINNING

I shifted to our new apartment on saturday (2nd july), after waiting for so many months. And inside, I'm very happy to see myself, working but yet staying with my own family, just like my friends, I*a and Az*or. It feels different, somewhat so peace of mind.
On Friday, i did rebonding on my hair, God, every single day i just feel like being a new me, because of the new look. i just like myself and my new style, and everybody was like, wow, dell!! my two cousins said that i look slimmer than ever of my size, my uncle was totally surprised to see my thin cheeks (huh!!) and i was like...what?? well i just eat like hell, being myself all this while and gota reward for that! thank god!
i may not be able to complete my apartment now, well i just have to be extra careful with my money, i need to save..save...and save....i need to!! this is what i promised myself long time before and i need to implement as soon as possible. i hope i can save a lot as when it reaches january 2006, i have something to proud of myself. at least i can change my kancil to myvi.
i have great amount of debts all around me, and i cant sleep or rest from it all...
time is about to begin - delly