30th august 2005 - Merdeka

I guess this word is in everybody's tip of mouth today, in fact since last month, by every one in every walk of life. even a small kid, if she/he does utter the word merdeka, what comes first in their mind? or what kind of imagination do they portray in their brain? only God knows. but this celebration of merdeka shouldnt be ikut-ikutan je, it has got to do with the understanding of Malaysian history itself, and how did we gain this independence from British.
but im not going to write more on history, because to go further to the topic of freeing this country...fuh...kena jadi cikgu sejarah betul. let me write about independence my own version, my very own thought, what i feel and what i should do with the feelings ;).

i truly became independent when i walked out from my kampung and started a new life in shah alam as a student. although that time i was totally kampung girl, but i didnt give a damn to look down to myself. everybody around me was an english-speaker, they spoke english macam habuk, meanwhile me and some of my kampung friends were very shy even to talk with them, because if they started to speak "london" to us, then our legs started to shake like hell and our tongues tied up and freezed that we could not utter even a single word. then we ended up smiling, felt so embarassed of myself.

but later i realized that i could not be someone else, even how bullshit my english was, i was myself and i felt happy with the way i was. i was good in writing, i wrote a very impressive daily journals that my lecturer praised me the way i expressed my feelings, was my very own way. and i was good in grammar too, that some of my friends even faced me up to learn a thing or two about grammatical errors in english. i felt good that time, it was just that i didnt speak english, and i could not speak openly in front of other people because i felt shy i might use the wrong usage of sentences or words, plus etc etc. how bad!

when i started to work in business times, i regret it too much that i chose to do my practical training there, because again i had to face these people who didnt stop speaking london. ceh! then i remember when i finished my study and joined one Islamic company, i got chances to meet people from all walks of life, i just had, i had to interview some people (foreigners) in english. and then i did some translation work for my boss, that too, added to my skills of writing. plus, i was chosen to be the editor of asuh kids, a magazine for kids aged 6 and below. plus, plus, i started the habit of chatting, and normally i chatted in english.

and plus, plus, plus, i started to flirt around with non-malays community, an arab guy from algeria..fuhh....i blamed myself so much that i dumped him when he liked me too much that time (what to do...i was engaged...) because later after few months didnt contact each other, he called me and said that he that time had been posted to UIA Matriculation as a lecturer! He was a student in UKM when i met him, and guess what..in physics!

after him i guess my boyfriends kept changing, and they were all foreigners. Not to say that they were non-Malays, but even more than that, were not originally from Malaysia. Ha..ha...what a life...except my fiancee, there were no other malay guys i dated, except those stupid men as introduced by my parents.

independence. i dont consider myself as independent by doing all those stuff. a definite independent for me is when i get what i want in my life, without anybody else interrupting or trying to stop me in the middle. an ultimate independent was when i chose to continue this career instead going to be a government servant. an ultimate independent was when i found my love on my own without anyone suggesting to me what i should do and whom i should meet.

Independence for delly is when she is able to reach and find herself.- delly

Berakit-Rakit Ke Hulu...


Last weekend i spent my weekend in kampung Batu Melintang, Tapah, Perak, together with Aznor and Budaiy. i never ever imagined would join this kinda activity again because i left berkhemah, jungle trekking and all that long time before. but the main thing that attracted me to join was pegi ke kampung orang asli. nak tengok gak cara hidup orang asli ni macamana. so i went there, on the way singgah ke jambatan gantung, yang naik pening aku dibuatnya lepas melintas, and then with few bundles of ebaca, they carried my ebaca to the kampung and distributed to those orang asli. some are ok, actually they are really really ok, some can read very well, and spell very well, some just quit from school some years ago, but still be able to read. ini yang aku kagum.
well, i must say, semangat membaca di kalangan orang asli, lain. i met tracy, 18, she quit from school when she was 14, and when i asked her, what kind of magazine u read, she said, 'mangga'. and she regularly buys mangga from tapah town, which is about 9.5 km from her house, and u know what....she walks all the way from her kampung to buy mangga! kagum tak? and this 9.5 km ni, kalau nak tahu, adalah jalan bak ular kena palu, plus, plus u have to go thru some hilly areas. plus, heavy forest left and right. uisy...kalau akulah, fikir 100 kali lah nak jalan kaki. 1 km pun belum tentu aku nak jalan kaki lagi.
yang ni taklah brapa penting sangat. the most important point is, sebab semangat nak membaca tu, dia sangggup berjalan almost 10 km ngan kawan-kawan kengkadang dengan mak atau makcik!). Tak kiralah walaupun hanya nak baca mangga, sebab mangga pun bahan bacaan jugak! sebab tulah walaupun dah meninggalkan sekolah hampir 4 tahun, tracy masih boleh membaca dengan baik. mak dan makcik dia yang tinggal bersama langsung buta huruf.
yang kecik2 kat situ, sumanya bersekolah. i still remember when i asked this boy, whats ur name, he said, my name is Bahmini. he is still schooling. then i asked his brother, he said my name is Bahtuna. So whats ur father's name? Balaci, Bahtuna said softly. I actually heard the name but just wanted for confirmation, i asked him again, i beg ur pardon? Then Bahmini started to smile, his cheeks were so blushed and he didnt want to say it out loud this time. I know he knows what balaci means to this malay community, because hes schooling in a malay school. Tengok tu, orang asli pun tau malu kalau nama tak sedap atau memalukan.
I finally made conclusion that most of them left school as early as 13. masuk sekolah menengah je dah tak sekolah dah. sebab? nak kata kerja tak jugak kerja, sebab yang aku interview tu kata kebanyakannya mereka menganggur. tapi buat kerja2 kampung la kot...
this orang asli community, they dun have any spesific religion, tapi im sure mostly are non-muslims because they keep dog at home. rumah kecil aje tapi comel dan tersusun. that time when we visited them, rain poured so heavily, kasut ngan seluar aku habis lencun.
but it was a very very nice experience of course, jumpa ngan orang yang aku tak pernah tahu dalam hidup ni aku akan jumpa orang sebegitu. and yeah, about the convoy, so funtastic that me and aznor really felt like a vip. asal ada orang over take je, police traffic datang selamatkan kitorang.
isnt it great? - delly

Life Is Beautiful....

I was shocked, when i woke up in the morning, i got this sms from a number that i never knew, and never saved, and when i called the number again, i was surprised coz what i heard from over there was a voice ive been missing so long - ina kru!! as usual, this lady, kalau orang call nak tanya dia something, will end up yang dia tanya balik kita ngan 1001 questions yang aku sendiri tak tau nak jawab mana dulu! ;)
i was happy coz, dah lama giler tak borak ngan ina. the thing that i remember most about her, well we share one fondness, ketawa sampai nak rak sampai tak ingat dunia. aznor reminds me of her sometimes. and the second thing, her love history tuh. fuyoo..tragis betul...zaman ngan abang din sampailah dia kenal suami dia sekarang (shah). rezeki ina...lepaih kawin ngan shah, ngandung pas tu dapek gi houston ikut laki dia. then this pompuan kejap email aku, kejap tak. news dia kejap ada kejap takde. when she sms-ed me, according to her she has returned back say abt a week..hampeh....aku ingat sampai air port je terus sms aku....
im glad, and I feel the possibility for my old group to get back to be reunioned macam cerah je. All my friends have already become mummies, I think three of us left, suzie, me and ang, which of course let me consider myself would be the last kot ;). Entahla. And of course, im happy for didie too, for the wedding day last Sunday, which I couldn’t attend just because I had a big fight with my boyfriend. What the….
I told syaz too that my life is not anymore like a normal ‘human’. And yeah, yes it is. While everyone else is at home, im just spending my time in office, completing my work, and the most difficult part when I have to wait for my graphic artist to complete her work, until it is time for me to check, and then comes roy’s job to double check and just pdf everything. What the hell im talking about, I dun think everybody understands all these terms of pdf la, laser print, pre press la bla bla..bla coz ini antara beberapa kerja ‘amal’ yang aku terpaksa lakukan kalau rasa nak duduk lama kat company ni ;).
When my mak called, I just told her, oklah, pukul 8 balik la. Pukul 8? Dah nak masuk pkl 8 pagi esok dah pun. Im so lucky, that my ad roy, is such a gentleman. (in fact while im typing this, he just came in and he bought my favourite 100 plus, plus ada la plak kek silverbird ni ha). Tak macam masa kerja dengan the previous graphic artist, hidup dia dah tekanan, dia menambah plak tekanan tu pada aku. And my previous boss, aduiii…susah nak cakap. Dahlah masa tu memang hidup aku sendiri susah pung…..
Im so grateful je la, banyak-banyak, that we are all transferred to this comics department. Thank god.
Kengkadang I just wonder, ala…what kinda life is this? Pi kerja gelap, balik kerja pun hari nak gelap. Aku nampak siang masa pi lunch dengan aznor atau roni je belah tengahari. Ada sorang dua kawan komen, eh ko ni semedang je busy, dah bukan semedang dah syaz…..bermedang-medang…..
But I always believe theres always thing to sacrifice because I can successfully grab what I want…. - delly adesuwa

Work, Work, Work Issues Again!

My secret tips, on working in private sector. ;) I dont know about the government's because i never worked as a government servant. But what i believe, whether i work with that, or work with this, when it comes to tensions, it is TENSION. And the stress of work happens to everyone, even the most successful executive in his/her company. The bigger your post, the bigger your tensions and problems. The smaller your post, lesser stuff to take care of, because most of it is "none of your business". So that's it.

To make it clear and simple: wherever you are, just be yourself. Even when you are at work. Taking myself as an example, the transition of my work - from my previous job to this current job, of course is a big change. Dulu Islamik habis, kat sini plak lagi 2-3 percent sikit lagi dah nak macam omputih punya lifestyle. But i managed to mingle around whether dengan golongan Islamik habis ke, atau pun depa yang jadi mat salleh celup kat sini. Tulah, orang melayu kata, "masuk kandang kambing mengembek, masuk kandang kerbau" menguak"...ha..tulah....kena pepandai sendiri nak suit diri ke dalam community baru. Well, back to the basic....

Aku pun bukanlah bagus sangat, i started to join this company and cried like hell with all the pushes, deadlines matters, and stress from different people. I had three lady bosses when i joined this company. Bos laki ok lagi what, tapi kalau pompuan, fuhh....yang tak tahan when they keep changing their statements, and then, berlagak "macam bagus". Of course i hated all those situations where i had to face them, discussed my work with them, but what to do, i believe that "kita tak boleh nak menentang arus". i was new, and they were my bosses, if i had to stick to what i said everytime, if they sacked me, ive nowhere to go.

but it doesnt mean i dont have any rights to be creative, and innovative, and so hell..."...ive" etc etc. dalam pada mengikut je apa diorang kata, i proved to them that i was good my own way too, i was creative and i had my own taste. finally, those bosses were impressed and yeah, sometimes we just have to be patience to be recognized.

at this point, i remember what my journalist, ida said to me once, "sayang semua orang". i didnt believe it at first, until me myself tried not to hate anybody, and tried so hard to "love everybody" in a sense that without being practically bias or discriminate anyone, just follow and listen to what everybody says and later come out with your own brainy ideas. And thats it. Sampai hari ni, dalam pada kena hentam, kena apa sajalah, i am just myself, and nobody boycotts me without any reason. and nobody hates me too, because what i do is to be fair and good to everybody, nobody what doctrine and to which puak they are belongs to, i just dont care. aku buat kerja aku, and siap, and majalah jual, laku and thats it.

Bacalah buku motivasi apa pun, tebal mana pun, tapi kalau hati tak suka pada kerja, memberontak, dan sentiasa tak suka pada orang, well....i guess any jobs wont suit anyone.... - delly adesuwa

Almost Separated

Yang kelakarnya, dalam setiap sejarah percintaan aku, men always didnt understand my point of view and my reactions towards something. so normally diorang akan sabar, sabar and sabar je sampai tahap cipan and ended up burst the angriness, sebab dah tak tahan dengan, dengan apa ek? dengan sikap aku kot.
i dont know what the heck is happening to me sometimes that aku suka sangat cari punca pergaduhan dan masam muka dengan osazee. sampai satu tahap semalam, he was so damn angry and he said, "r u crazy??!!!!" so loudly sampai stereng keta yang aku pegang rasa nak tercabut.
ada jugak dia cakap bebenda yang menusuk hati, macam "is it wrong for me to love you??" and "if you have found somebody else and thats why you are acting like this, just tell me" bla bla bla. tapi yang selalu jantan jadi tension ialah bila aku buat bodoh je bila diorang membebel. well, i guess that life is not always beautiful...
also yesterday, dalam pada gaduh, i spotted an opportunity to go to cc and entah macamana mamat hindustan tu online le pulak. isy, aku ni geram tahap dewa dengan dia because i just hated him so much, so much that aku malas nak kawan dengan dia lagi dah. lantak. so apa aku buat, i paged him, saying that thank you very much for the past bullshit relationship, and u know what, i wanted to end the relationship yesterday itself. so this hindustani guy started to page me back, and emailed me the whole of those bullshit sayings that he ever promised, and i just cant stand to hear it for more.
kengkadang aku pun tak pasti apa yang aku buat betul ke tak, yang aku tau most of the time memang tak betul. tapi aku just nak menjadi diri aku sendiri, to know myself is to become myself. - delly